Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
#StillHurts