WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house