People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Time for evil
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.