I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.