This is amazing.
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.