*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
scared to check what name she chose
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
this is 10/10 content no notes
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle