A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
some cats are just doing for fun!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.