*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Lmfaoooooo
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie