Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered