If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*