We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Sharon, call the vet