Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Milk Cube
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.