Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.