*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.