One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Yeah. This was me today.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
FRED: right
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American