Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed