Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I needed a laugh this morning.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good