I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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