It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.