If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m not stressed
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam