Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.