Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
You Might Also Like
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.