I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet