I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.