Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”