God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
At Walmart during the holidays like..
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me