A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”