No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.