A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Holy shit he’s back
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”