Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit