I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes