There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”