Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?