And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.