Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules