figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“You drive, I’m tired.”
this is the best day of my life
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.