me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
wishing you and yours all the best
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy