I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Love it! 👍😂
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Covid like
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.