Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
ok this is my dumbest yet
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It was worth a shot 😂
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.