My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
courtroom exchange of the day
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor