Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”