*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
me and who
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk