*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?