A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Bond. Trauma bond.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
LOL
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.