Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.