ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
my name if I was in the mob