A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Trumpy Cat
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.