A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile