I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Holy crap this is wonderful
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”