Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I hope they boil the right one.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You better watch out
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m awake but I object,
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.